Why Breastfeeding is HARD...And We Need To Talk About It!

general parenting Mar 29, 2023

Super important note- this is not designed to scare you, this is written because I believe that being forewarned, is forearmed and I so wish I had all this information before I started on my breastfeeding journey! So please be sure to read to the end- spoiler alert, it does get better!

My Breastfeeding Back Story

My first experience with breastfeeding was as a first time mother in the UK and so that’s my point of reference. I would be really interested to know the experience of other mothers around the world though. When I was pregnant, my husband and I joined a prenatal class, I won’t name them here but I would say probably the most popular paid prenatal classes in the UK. As part of this course, there was an extra optional workshop specifically about breastfeeding. At the time I had no strong feelings about how I was going to feed my baby, I just wanted information.

This workshop was not a carefully balanced giving of information to parents; it was a one sided assault campaign of why breast is best, how to breastfeed and why no other options should be considered. I distinctly remember two things from this workshop. Firstly, we went around the circle and were forced to give our feelings about breastfeeding. Sensing the tone early on most people simply said they wanted to do it. I was a little more open and said ‘I want to do it but right now I feel uncomfortable, although I know objectively the natural use of my breasts to produce milk, they have always been a sexual object and I feel weird imagining feeding.’ To say my concern was quickly dismissed and moved on from would be an understatement.

Then, towards the end of the session another woman asked “I want to try breastfeeding but, if for any reason it is not right for me, is there any formula that you would consider better than any others”? Can you guess the reply already; “I will not discuss any formula with you, breast is best.”

Now I’m not saying every workshop of this company would have been the same, perhaps it was the instructor but I do think her attitude is indicative of many in the UK right now. But here’s the two biggest problems I was left with after this session: 1) Anyone considering formula for any reason was shamed and 2) Breastfeeding was presented with full rose tinted classes so that when difficulties arose (cluster feeding, cracked nipples, societal judgement, I’ll come on to those), I was completely ill prepared for them. Had I known these in advance I would have still chosen to breastfeed- but boy would I have appreciated the heads up so I could prepare myself! But let's start by looking at...

Why is there such a focus on encouraging breastfeeding?

A study in 2016 (references cited below) showed that the UK has some of, if not the lowest, statistics for breastfeeding in the world. This is not only in terms of those babies breastfed at all from birth, but most importantly in terms of how many babies are still being breastfed, either exclusively or receiving supplemental formula, after certain periods of time such as a week, six months or after their first birthday. The 2010 infant feeding survey gives us further statistics that 81% of mums in the UK tried to breastfeed their newborns at birth, by the end of the first week over half of those babies had some degree of formula. Across the UK, at 3 months the number of mothers breastfeeding exclusively was 17% and at 4 months, it dropped further to 12%. Exclusive breastfeeding at six months (recommended by the WHO) remained at 1%.

But here’s what I think is the most significant, how many people tried and stopped. To not try is one thing, you have chosen formula as the right thing for you. But to try and stop means something made you stop. As part of this study, many, if not most women, who had stopped breastfeeding said it was not because they objectively wanted to but because they felt they HAD TO. Now if, and when you feel your breastfeeding journey has come to an end, or does not start is a personal decision for you and your family. But it absolutely should not be for the reasons below and that I want to share with you so you can be prepared. So:

The BreastFeeding Challenges I personally faced:

The Expectation that baby will feed every 3 hours, 15 minutes on each boob and 30 minutes in total

So, as you will know from my other blogs, I didn’t know a lot of theories and terminology at the time as a new parent, I just went with “what felt right’. What I know now is that I ‘fed on demand’, when my baby showed signs of hunger, I fed her and I fed her for as long as she wanted to feed. So particularly in the newborn days this could be every hour, for an hour, or every 2 hours for 20 minutes.

Whilst I did it because it felt right, it caused be untold stress. “She’s fallen asleep after just one boob, but do I need to wake her for the other”, “She fed for an hour so do I count the next feed in 2 hours or 3 hours”. And this self-doubt wasn’t helped by other people ( particularly those of an older generation or without kids) with comments such as “ she can’t possibly be hungry again, you should wait to feed her.” The worst thing being sometimes, when other people were around, I fought my natural instincts to feed her for fear of this judgement.

So where on earth did this idea of every 3 hours come from? Well firstly, it is a guideline of the MAXIMUM a baby should go without a feed in the newborn days to make sure they are getting enough milk those crucial early days! But please, please, after you finish reading this one, go read this article: https://www.unicef.org.uk/babyfriendly/breastfeeding-the-dangerous-obsession-with-the-infant-feeding-interval/ for more on this!

But baby feeding more often than every 3 hours, and particularly cluster feeding lead on to other related problems though

Concern that you don’t have enough milk. I have heard many, many women say they stopped breastfeeding because their baby was so hungry that they knew they weren’t producing enough milk. This sadly comes back to the unfounded rhetoric that if you are producing enough milk baby will only need feeding every 3 hours.
It is/ can be painful as your breasts adjust- and not just for 6 weeks. The way breastfeeding is talked about in the UK is as if the first 6 weeks are a little tough and then poof- if you see it through then it’s all plain sailing from there- bah! We are also told it shouldn’t be painful unless there is a problem. Let me tell you- I had pain, a lot of it, for about 12 weeks. You know how you kind of might think things would get a little sore with someone sucking on your nipple 10 hours a day for 12 weeks? Well it was! But of course, I’ve been told it shouldn’t hurt so there must be a problem. 2 VERY expensive lactation consultants later checking my latch, checking for tongue tie, checking if I had thrush later, no problem is identified and guess what, it did stop hurting. I honestly believe my nipples just had to ‘toughen up’ which they did, but it wasn’t magic at 6 weeks!
It is emotionally draining/physically limiting: As I got more confident, feeding out and about became easier but those earlier weeks where I would be sitting on the sofa feeding for hours on end? Oouf, tough. Again people will talk to you about how they sat watching series after series whilst their baby fed and oooh did I enjoy that! But there were also evenings, particularly when my little girl would cluster feed for 4 hours straight that would drain me physically and emotionally. And of course, unless you pump and use a bottle, it’s all on you so it can feel isolating from your partner who simply can’t do this bit for you even sometimes to give you a break.
And lastly I faced the challenge of feeling uncomfortable when feeding in public: When I say in ‘public’, I think it is important to note what I really mean is in front of other people, and this included certain members of my own family. My mum herself apparently used to take herself off somewhere private and alone every time she fed us, even amongst family, and she expressed how surprising she found it that I didn’t. And in more public places such as restaurants, what should be just natural and a non-issue often felt like I was being ‘defiant’ and proving a point by feeding in public. And this in the same country that is trying to encourage more breastfeeding, general opinion is still one that showing breasts in a TV show sexually is fine, but just imagine a women feed her baby in public!

Other challenges

You never wanted to in the first place and felt pressured to do it: Now this was not the case for me, I wanted to breastfeed in the end. But I think there is a terrible, terrible shaming culture surrounding formula in the UK.

So you’re probably currently thinking: “Well why on Earth would I breastfeed, it sounds awful!" And that is absolutely not my intention. As I said at the beginning, these are just all things I wish I had known to prepare.

Would I still choose to breastfeed again? ABSOLUTELY I loved it, but even I probably would have stopped in the first 6 weeks if I wasn’t SO STUBBORN and felt shame in telling people I was 'quitting'.

But here’s why I am SO glad I stuck it out:

Benefits of Breastfeeding

There is an emotional connection and elation that I don’t know I could ever do justice in words. They talk about the rushes of dopamine and oxytocin and wow are they powerful. Those moment with my daughter are truly some of the best moments of my parental journey to date. Despite my hesitancy before starting it only ever felt natural and right from that perspective.
Once I was more confident it made my life SO much easier when out and about! I didn’t have to worry about how much formula to pack, getting access to hot water. We even did a huge trip around Canada that would have been infinitely more complicated carrying formula around.
In fact it made my life easier at home as well- no getting up to make a bottle in the middle of the night!
Whilst I believe fed is best, there is no denying that breastmilk is pretty miraculous; it’s nutrients, boost to baby’s immune system and the fact it even changes depending on what baby is lacking/needing-amazing!
It’s FREE! Let’s face it, babies are expensive so this is at least one thing off the list.

Whatever choice you make is yours, and yours alone, but IF breastfeeding is your choice, then I truly hope this article was helpful. Any more questions drop me a line at [email protected], I'd be happy to discuss more!