I confess- I am a helicopter parent! But I’m trying to change...

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My History as a Helicopter Parent

As I write this blog I have returned back to the introduction to add a note. I realised as I wrote this that this blog makes me seem a little, well not a little, actually a lot crazy. But I guess it’s true, as a worrier and overanyalyser by nature, parenthood has been tough for me. And so, I can but hope that some of you reading this relate to it, and that it helps you just a little to know you are not alone. Ok- here we go…

If you’ve read any of my other blogs you will know, rewind 6 years ago (the start of my parenting journey) and I had NO IDEA what the term ‘helicopter parent’ meant. But here’s what I did know; every cliché that had ever been said to me regarding the love I would feel for my child was right; “I had never known a love like it’, ‘I would do anything for my child’, ‘I would only ever be as happy as my unhappiest child forever more’.  As a result of that- the anxiety and worry that my child would ever know a negative feeling crept in with it. I wanted to make sure she was happy- ALWAYS. (I warned you above, yes I know I sound crazy but hey, just being honest). I couldn’t stand the idea that she would ever know sadness and did everything I could to make sure that was the case. If she might get upset that her toy would get broken, I’d buy two; I planned a big trip to Canada when she was 5 months old to make sure we were ALWAYS somewhere convenient for her next feed for fear she would know 5 minutes’ hunger. If she wants to wear something new to school, I dissuade her in case it gets ruined and she gets upset.

But I have since come to realise that this natural tendency I have, and think perhaps a lot of us do, has a name, and that name is ‘helicopter parenting’ and that well ultimately I don’t think it’s the best way for me to parent my child (well, children now). So let’s take a look at what helicopter parenting is by definition, why we can feel the need to do it and perhaps why we might want to take a different approach- as I am indeed trying to!

So, what is Helicopter Parenting?

If you look up the term ‘helicopter parenting’ you will get lots of what I find to be very strong, and hugely negative phrases, i.e that it is “an overprotective and very involved parenting style”.  “It’s a style of parenting where parents are overly involved in their children's lives, often to the point of micromanaging and controlling their every move.“ As it’s name suggests it’s a term used to describe parents who “hover” over their children, much like a helicopter, in order to protect them from any harm or disappointment. And historically, it was a term first coined in a 1969 book titled "Between Parent & Teenager." where the teen featured in the book reported that his mother watched over him like a helicopter. 

Importantly, this is not a term confined to young children, it’s a term also used to refer to parents who for example are at college or university and their parents are still overprotective and controlling from a distance. It’s just my experience so far, has been as a parent to a 0-6 year old!

So Why Do Some Parents ‘Hover’?

Firstly, I think it is important to point out that not all helicopter parents are equal. The need to ‘hover’ comes from a variety of places, perhaps some more altruistic than others. I think, if like me, you want to lean away from a natural tendency to helicopter parent, then it’s important to recognize WHY you are doing it and try to address it.

 1)   Is it a desire to protect your children?

As already explained, this is definitely where I come from. I have a strong desire to protect my children from ever knowing sadness, disappointment, hurt. Whilst I have come to recognize, and will come on to discuss, my style may not be the best to achieving this long term, it is definitely where it comes from.

2)   Are you feeling a social pressure for your child to succeed?

Social media has not helped us in recent years, the constant comparing of your life, and that of your children, to others. But I think it can make parents think that if your child is not ‘doing well at something’ in terms of comparison to their peers, than this is a reflection on them as parents and as a result cause them to put pressure on their children.

3)   Are you trying to give your child something you fear you missed out on?

If you have any sadness surrounding your own childhood, perhaps you want to course correct this for your children, which of course is noble, it’s just a question of whether or not this becomes an over correction. Perhaps you felt your own parents were unsupportive and so want to be as supportive as possible to your child?

4)   Or are you trying to accomplish your dream through them?

Perhaps you have regrets in your life and want to fulfill your ambitions through your child.  You gave up playing the violin when you were 15 and now make your teenager continue lessons when they say they don’t want to so that they can play for the symphony orchestra one day as you wish you had done in hindsight?

The ‘Positives of Helicopter parenting

Yes, yes, that’s right- I said the positives. I do want to start by defending helicopter parenting a little, and not just because I am one. As I said above, if you google helicopter parenting, your initial search results will be ones of extreme negativity.

but is it all bad?

I do think that it is worth noting that, in a lot of cases, helicopter parenting comes from a place of love and a desire for your child to be happy, and happier than you were, with the benefit of your adult hindsight. Like all things though I guess it depends HOW extreme you take it, so the below is assuming non extreme levels!

1. My children get LOTS of help and support with whatever is going on with their lives. They feel seen and known. Whether it be; illness, bullying, understanding death, I work tirelessy to make sure all their needs are met. This has been especially key for my oldest daughter who has a language disorder. Fighting for the right diagnosis and help, liaising between teams of professionals and communicating with teachers and other parents when she can’t, has been super important for her.
2. Helicopter parents tend to be very involved parents- school projects, volunteering for events, general participation, you name it, we’re keen! In my daughter’s case I feel confident this has helped her be keen and involved herself at school.
3. A lot of articles on the subject will argue that children of helicopter parents are more likely to succeed because they have been pushed and encouraged which I think is true but I think this is an argument that could sit on either side of the fence. Whilst it’s great to encourage kids to try lots of things, obviously that needs to be balanced with the fact that they are just children, what they enjoy and if it leads them to be anxious about perfection.
4. Coming back to the first point, I have an extremely close relationship with my daughters. Particularly my oldest will open up to me about what she is thinking and feeling. BUT- this brings me on to the negatives if I do not make sure I don’t hover tooo much as they get older…

The Downsides of Helicopter Parenting

. Number 6 will surprise you I think!

1. I am writing this article with my oldest just being 6 years old. As she gets older, I can imagine the feelings of ‘support and feeling seen’ could easily turn to feeling suffocated and untrusted if not eased off as she gets older.I want her to feel she can come to me, sure, but not that I never give her space.
2. Long term studies have shown that your child may not develop the skills to cope with disappointment, rejection, or any other negative aspects of their life because they didn’t learn to deal with them when they were younger and let’s face it, often dealing with smaller problems.
3. On a similar note, it can inhibit perseverance and problem solving skills. There is a reason for the phrase ‘we learn from our mistakes’. If we are never able to make mistakes, we can’t possibly learn from them- or indeed develop the mental strength to try again after making a mistake instead of just giving up or asking someone to do it for us!
4. Inhibits self advocacy. There will be a time when I won’t be there- physically,  to defend, advocate or step in on behalf of my child. I need them to know how to confidently advocate for themselves- to tell someone they are uncomfortable, that they need help etc.
5. Dependence on parents. We all know at least one 30 year old who still lives at home right? That doesn’t really pay rent, still has their parents do their washing and cooking, maybe even call their doctor when they need an appointment!?
6. And lastly, just thinking about the negative impact it can have on us as a parent, certainly in my case, that level of worry can make you a ‘worse’ parent because you are always so anxious and kids pick up on that. Plus it’s just not good for our own mental health.

What I’m Doing to Balance out my Natural Helicopter Parent Tendencies

Listen, I can’t tell you that I can completely change. I am constantly doing work on myself, but I am a worrier at heart. But I do think being aware of my tendencies, analysing what I want for my daughters and the impact I can have on them is important.

 So,

1. The biggest thing I am doing is not intervening when I see a potential negative consequence for my childrens actions ( assuming it is not one that is unsafe of course). I am letting her take ‘more risks’ which means also
2. I let them fail! 
3. Recently she wanted to sign up to a rollerskating class and I was SO worried for her because I knew all the other children, who have been in the club a lot longer, would be much better than her. But I signed her up and do you know what- she loves it! She comes home happily laughing about all the times she fell over that day but has no intention in giving up ( that’s one big win in the teaching perseverance column!
4. And lastly- I show and talk openly about my own feelings so that she can understand negative feelings are a part of life, that we shouldn’t try and squash them but feel them. But also how we can then deal with them and move on.

I would LOVE to hear from you all- what sort of parent do you think you are? ( None of us are just one for sure!). How do you think your style sometimes helps and hinders your children? Any advice from those with older children/ teens on how to navigate this all as they are growing!?